


my heart is screaming out

by lunarwaves



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Love, M/M, Pining, time and fate shenanigans
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:28:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27152482
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunarwaves/pseuds/lunarwaves
Summary: A bell rings and time resets.Who says second chances don't exist?
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Miya Osamu
Comments: 14
Kudos: 53





	my heart is screaming out

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Maybe In The Next Lifetime](https://archiveofourown.org/works/25646308) by [moshmxllo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/moshmxllo/pseuds/moshmxllo). 



> can be read as a standalone or as a companion to this fic^^
> 
> thank u [@cupidshootstokill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidshootstokill/works) for beta-ing i love u more than akaashi loves onigiri
> 
> i also drew inspo from [this stunning, absolutely underrated fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7525708)

**Osamu:** hey theyre throwing a party for me tmrw bfore i leave for college r u coming

Read 1:37 AM

_(Somewhere in the distance, a little bell rings)_

**Osamu:** hey theyre throwing a party for me tmrw bfore i leave for college r u coming

sorry i cant something came up

_(A little bell rings)_

**Osamu:** hey theyre throwing a party for me tmrw bfore i leave for college r u coming

yh what time? ill b there

_(No bells ring, and we can finally move on)_

Keiji is drunk. The most alcohol he’s had before is sips of champagne on New Year’s Eve but something about the sense of finality and charged atmosphere leads him to say ‘fuck it’ and knock back two White Claws barely an hour after he steps through Osamu’s front door.

The living room is usually as familiar to him as his own but now it’s packed with bodies and almost completely dark, save for the disco lights flashing around the room.

Keiji feels warmer, fuzzier than usual and finds himself cackling wildly at something Atsumu said, all his usual composure and inhibitions gone. Once he finishes gasping with laughter, he melts further into the sofa, content to spend the rest of the evening laying there completely boneless.

“Keiji!” 

Osamu’s arm drapes around his shoulders as he pushes away from a cluster of people, settling heavily into Keiji’s side. The line where his thigh meets Keiji’s, where their torsos are now mashed into each other seems to burn, made even hotter by the way they’re both sweating and the alcohol coursing through Keiji’s bloodstream.

“I haven’t talked to you all evening,” Osamu gushes. “How are you doing?”

Keiji has stopped laughing now, fully raptured by Osamu’s gray eyes, pupils dilated in the dim lighting.

“Hi. I’m good.” He can smell the cheap beer one of their friends brought on Osamu’s breath and he vaguely thinks he should be disgusted. “Really good.”

“I’m glad you came,” Osamu says.

Keiji beams at him and he sees the surprise in Osamu’s face.

He distantly remembers what the other man had told him about his smiles.

Apparently Keiji had five of them:

1\. The fake one  
2\. The one when he found something funny despite his best intentions  
3\. The one when he was being mean  
4\. The one when he was embarrassed  
5\. And the genuinely happy one

He has no idea which one Osamu is seeing right now but whichever one it is, he seems to like it, turning even redder before burying his face into the crook of Keiji’s neck.

“You’re going to kill me,” he groans, breath wafting over Keiji’s collarbone and making him shiver.

Keiji twists slightly to sling a leg over Osamu, moving his arms up to wrap around broad shoulders. Maybe if he held on tight enough, Osamu wouldn’t leave for college, wouldn’t leave their friends, wouldn’t leave their hometown. Wouldn’t leave Keiji. He tightens his grip and shifts further so he’s straddling Osamu and propping his chin on his shoulder. “Not if you kill me first,” he counters, as Osamu’s hands slip down to his waist.

It’s not like they haven’t cuddled before. While Keiji isn’t the most tactile, Osamu more than makes up for it, messing with his hair, linking their hands or pinkies when they walk next to each other, hugging him frequently.

But it’s different now, with the way Osamu’s looking at him like he’s the only thing in the world, the gaze he’s only seen in fragments and glimpses. Never as concentrated as it is now.

“Keiji…” he breathes and somewhere behind them, in the sea of chatter, Keiji hears someone go,”hey where’d Osamu go- holy fucking shit!”

They inch closer, lips almost touching before Keiji comes to his senses and turns his head away, pushing at Osamu’s chest. 

“Wait, no. I can’t do this to you. I’m sorry.”

Osamu’s eyes flash with hurt and his jaw tenses but he nods, releasing his vise-like grip on Keiji.

The silence between them is not awkward but it feels heavy and sad, all the giddy happiness from earlier completely gone.

“I need a drink,” Keiji says numbly, clambering off Osamu’s lap and almost tripping over someone else’s foot in his haste to get to the kitchen.

The sudden brightness makes him blink and squint as he spots a pack of 4loko and makes a beeline for it. The bottle is in his hand before he changes his mind and opens the cupboard for a water glass instead.

Osamu was always meant for bigger and better things. More than what their city could offer him.

And that’s why Keiji knows he has to let him go, so he fills the cup with water from the fridge, drinking it fast to try and get rid of the sudden lump in his throat.

_(A bell rings)_

It’s not like they haven’t cuddled before. While Keiji isn’t the most tactile, Osamu more than makes up for it, messing with his hair, linking their hands or pinkies when they walk next to each other, hugging him frequently.

But it’s different now, with the way Osamu’s looking at him like he’s the only thing in the world, the gaze he’s only seen in fragments and glimpses. Never as concentrated as it is now.

“Keiji…” he breathes and somewhere behind them, in the sea of chatter, Keiji hears someone go,”hey where’d Osamu go- holy fucking shit!”

They inch closer, lips almost touching-

-until Keiji sees the look on Osamu’s face.

The passion from before has been replaced by pure sadness and it’s enough to immediately clear Keiji’s head.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, clambering off Osamu’s lap and settling into his side.

“S’okay,” he hears Osamu say, twining their fingers together as Keiji lets his head drop onto his shoulder.

Keiji feels his chest pang. The warmth and roughness of Osamu’s hands are a welcome contrast to his own, which are almost always clammy and cold.

He doesn’t know how they’re going to stay warm with Osamu over 1000 miles away.

Somehow he falls asleep like that, fingers tangled with Osamu’s as his eyes slip shut and the noise of the party fades into the background.

He doesn’t hear Osamu’s quiet, “I’m sorry too,” as the evening goes on.

_(A bell doesn’t ring. But a dice is rolled instead, spinning and clattering until it lands on:_

__

__

_1)_

Keiji Akaashi, University Student (21)

It’s past midnight and the caller ID is one he hasn’t seen in a few months, but it still makes his heart flutter and his stomach drop.

Keiji Akaashi immediately stops typing his English assignment and picks up the phone. “Hello?” he says, stifling a yawn.

“Keiji?”

Instantly, he knows something is wrong. Osamu’s voice is small and _scared_ in a way he hasn’t heard in a while.

“Is everything okay?” Any traces of sleepiness are gone now and he feels fully alert, fear churning in his gut.

“I fucked up,” Osamu mumbles. “I fucked up so bad.”

Here’s what he tells Akaashi:

  * Osamu is dating a girl named Hitomi
  * and he didn’t really feel the need to tell Keiji about her because it wasn’t anything serious he swears (and that hurts Keiji in a way he doesn’t want to decipher- when did they start keeping secrets from each other?)
  * and it had only been a few months (months!!! That’s pretty serious!!!) but
  * Hitomi
  * was
  * pregnant



“I’m so lost,” he hears Osamu sniffle slightly. “Help me, Keiji, please.”

Keiji takes a shuddering breath, knowing that this is just another piece of Osamu he will never get back. “You’re going to be a great dad, ‘Samu. Get some sleep okay? We’ll talk in the morning.”

They may be time zones apart but Keiji would rather cut out his own heart than abandon ~~the love of his life~~ his best friend.

Besides, he means it. Osamu _would_ be a great dad.

_(A bell rings. Roll the dice again, this time it lands on:_

__

__

_4)_

Keiji Akaashi immediately stops typing his English assignment and picks up the phone. “Hello?” he says, stifling a yawn.

“Keiji?”

Instantly, he knows something is wrong. Osamu’s voice is small and _scared_ in a way he hasn’t heard in a while.

“Is everything okay?” Any traces of sleepiness are gone now and he feels fully alert, fear churning in his gut.

“I fucked up,” Osamu mumbles. “I fucked up so bad.”

Osamu tells Keiji about Hitomi, the girlfriend he has literally never heard of.

He learns Osamu is going to be a father at 21.

Well then.

“Congratulations,” Keiji chokes out, over the weight of his own feelings. “You’ll do great ‘Samu. I believe in you.”

_Don’t you dare abandon them like you abandoned me._

_(An easy way to determine futures is to draw a flowchart. The bell’s been rung and the dice’s been tossed. Draw infinite lines out from infinite nows and see where they lead)_

Whether or not they stopped calling after the news of Osamu’s child didn’t matter- the same thing always happened.

Osamu called on Keiji’s 25th birthday.

Keiji told Osamu about the wedding.

Keiji asked Osamu to be the best man.

Osamu and Keiji both knew something didn’t feel right.

Keiji and Osamu both said nothing, offering platitudes and empty conversation.

_How’s your child doing?_

_She’s four now! Would you like to see pictures?_

They’re both so fucking stupid. 

But there’s no reason to ring the bell here so Keiji marries Akinori and Osamu suffers in silence and Akinori cheats on Keiji and Keiji calls Osamu crying and Osamu asks where he is and Keiji is outside his apartment door and he opens it-

Osamu’s arms felt like coming home.

_(Unfortunately, a bell rings now)_

They’re both so fucking stupid. 

But there’s no reason to ring the bell here so Keiji marries Akinori and Osamu suffers in silence and Akinori cheats on Keiji and Keiji calls Osamu crying and Osamu asks where he is and Keiji is outside his apartment door and he opens it-

Keiji almost falls into Osamu’s arms, just as big and familiar as he remembered then. But then he sees the man in the background and feels his broken heart crack just a little further.

**INTERMISSION**

“Pleasure of love lasts but a moment. Pain of love lasts a lifetime.” - Bette Davis

**CONTINUATION**

“I’m sorry to intrude,” Keiji says, suddenly feeling foolish.

“It’s fine. You’re always welcome.” But Osamu looks distinctly uncomfortable and the man behind him continues to scrutinize Keiji with sharp eyes.

“Hi,” Keiji says, regaining his composure. “I’m Keiji Akaashi.”

“I’m Rintarou. I’m ‘Samu’s boyfriend.”

The nickname sounds so different when it’s not Keiji saying it.

They shake hands.

“We just moved in together,” Osamu says. “Would you like to stay for a bit?”

Keiji gives a smile, one of the fake ones Osamu hates. “I’m sorry, I think I have to go.”

_(A bell rings)_

“We just moved in together,” Osamu says. “Would you like to stay for a bit?”

“So when were you going to tell me you got a boyfriend?” Keiji blurts out.

_(A bell rings)_

“We just moved in together,” Osamu says. “Would you like to stay for a bit?”

Keiji chews on his lip, considering. “Sure, why not?”

He picks up his suitcase and heads inside.

_(The dice lays abandoned and the bell rings again.)_

Somewhere, in another path of the universe, they meet as old men. They talk about everything that could have been, dance together one last time before parting ways once again, secure in the knowledge that their love will last but too scared to finally take the leap and see how it plays out.

Somewhere, in another path of the universe, they meet as old men. They talk about everything that could have been, dance together, and finally agree to take the leap and try to make a relationship happen.

After all, timing means nothing if you aren’t willing to work for what you want.

There are other universes where their love doesn’t behave as gracefully as they want it to, where they never talk again but-

Not this one.

Ring the bell, please!

_(Multiple bells chime)_

It’s not like they haven’t cuddled before. While Keiji isn’t the most tactile, Osamu more than makes up for it, messing with his hair, linking their hands or pinkies when they walk next to each other, hugging him frequently.

But it’s different now, with the way Osamu’s looking at him like he’s the only thing in the world, the gaze he’s only seen in fragments and glimpses. Never as concentrated as it is now.

“Keiji…” he breathes and somewhere behind them, in the sea of chatter, Keiji hears someone go,”hey where’d Osamu go- holy fucking shit!”

They inch closer, lips almost touching-

Keiji pauses to look at Osamu’s face. He looks scared and slightly sad, and Keiji sees a million futures play out in front of him.

In another life, maybe he wouldn’t be selfish with Osamu’s affection. Maybe he would let Osamu go do whatever he wanted, even if that didn’t include Keiji.

But Keiji also knows he loves Osamu in a way he loves no one else and while he knows he _could_ fall for other people and welcome them into his life-

(Keiji can practically count Osamu’s lashes. They’re short and black, a contrast to the dyed gray hair on his head.

He slowly runs a thumb over Osamu’s cheekbone, skin soft under his fingers and continues to make eye contact, unwilling to look away for even a second.)

-Osamu is the only Osamu he will ever meet. It’s an undeniable fact and somehow doesn’t entirely seem like a bad thing.

“We should-” Osamu starts and Keiji smashes their lips together.

He can taste beer on Osamu’s tongue and he chases it, tilting his head so he can kiss him deeper.

Osamu’s arms are wrapped tight around his waist and Keiji settles even further into his lap, trying to mold their bodies together.

Someone wolf whistles in the background and Atsumu is shrieking, “ewwwwww!” but he can barely hear them through the sound of his heartbeat pounding in his ears.

They pull apart with a gasp for air and Keiji self consciously wipes his lips with the back of his hand. Osamu looks just as blissed out and confused as he feels, eyes wide and mouth open.

“I know you’re leaving. I know the time isn’t right. But I don’t know if it will ever be,” Keiji says, pressing his forehead against Osamu’s. “I don’t want to lose you. Please, can we try?”

From here he can see the slightest bit of moisture welling up in Osamu’s eyes.

“Of course. Anything for you, Keiji.”

Keiji smiles wide, one of the genuine ones he knows Osamu loves and leans in to hold him tighter.

_(No bells ring. Everything is okay. They’ll be okay.)_

**Author's Note:**

> But here we are  
> After all the messes and confessions  
> To the stars  
> That we never really owned as ours  
>  _Honeybee, The Head And The Heart_
> 
> [author's note](https://avatar-the-last-jerkbender.tumblr.com/post/632708913428578304/authors-note-for-my-heart-is-screaming-out)


End file.
